Letter Sex
by ElisiansBane
Summary: A friend would put it back in a drawer or something. A BEST FRIEND would mail that hush puppy as soon as possible! Warning: Explicit sexual descriptions and language, bad humor. Not Beta read.
1. Chapter 1

Letter Sex

Summary: While dying of boredom signing papers, Yuuri writes a salacious note to his absent fiancé as a joke. Warnings: Explicit sexual descriptions and swearing. Bad Conrart-like attempts at humor. there's one now!

Pairing: Yuuram/Wolfyuu cause theirs is a relationship of equals

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kyou Kara Maou or it's affiliations. If I did they would have to stop marketing it towards grade school crowd.

Second warning; You must understand that my sense of humor is very sarcastic. Many narrative phrases mean the exact opposite of what is written. I'll try to make it easier for you to understand. But a virtual cookie goes to the first reader to find the sarcastic phrases!

Third warning: Not beta read.

"speech"

'thought'

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Letter Sex

Yuuri was bored. _Bored_ bored, beyond bored. Bored with a side of disinterest. So bored that if boredom were an Olympic sport. He'd be a certain swimmer who won 8 gold medals in the 2008 Olympics. He was that bored. Why? Because after the coming of his sixteenth birthday, Yuuri made a promise that he would be a more responsible maou and take over most of the day-to-day responsibilities previously left in the care of his Chief of state, aka Gwendal. Maturing from fifteen to sixteen didn't magically change Yuuri's attitude toward paperwork like he thought it should. Instead, it got worse. Yuuri was not the paper pushing type. He was a get up and get the hell out there type. He needed to use all five senses in order for something to stick to his hyperactive brain and make a difference. He needed to do things! Not write them!

However, Yuuri could not get out of this one. After discovering that Gwendal hadn't had a real vacation in more years than Yuuri's father was old, the kind hearted king issued an order that Gwendal was to go on one of his mother's cruises and spend two weeks of doing absolutely nothing. Or be accused of treason for disobeying a direct order. Yuuri began to regret this order when the nano second Gwendal was dragged onto the ship did he realize just how much crap Gwendal had to deal with everyday, this included being a test subject for one of Anissina's experiments. Luckily, Gunter was more than happy to fill that space, and Yuuri would forever admire him for it.

What added to Yuuri's plight was the absence of his fiancé, the ever over-worshipped Wolfram von Bielefeld. The mazoku prince was on yet another patrol for at least another two weeks. While it gave Yuuri the bed all to himself, it also meant life was that much more boring. Although he had Greta to play with and dote on, it wasn't the same without Wolfram's presence.

Yuuri stared blankly at the equally blank piece of paper on his desk. A few months ago, Caloria had suffered a terrible hurricane that damaged the seaside towns and hindered the extensive repairs that the town needed after the war with Soushou. Lady Flynn had sent a formal request for an extended grace period on the loans Caloria had taken from Shin Makoku. Of course, Yuuri would grant the request, he just had to write a formal response without the help of Gwendal or Gunter (who was away on business in the Christ territory). Yuri's pen touched the parchment and it stood there for five minutes doing nothing. Yuri sighed again, how silly of him to think that the pen would magically write an entire letter?

Stupid pen.

Yuri's thoughts wandered and eventually ended up on the subject of his fiancé. It had been almost a year since they met and a year since they got engaged. At first Yuri was totally against the idea of boys marrying each other. But as time went by, Shin Makoku's customs and beliefs wore on him. He realized that falling in love with some one of the same gender didn't change who you were as a person. He realized that when Yozak and Conrad announced their own engagement. His feelings towards his godfather and the spy didn't change at all. He was only happy that Conrad had found the happiness that he deserved. It made it much easier to come to terms with his own feelings towards Wolfram. Wolfram was everything to Yuri now. He would not have gotten as far without the blonde's help as he did. Their love was a deep spiritual bond that couldn't be undone no matter what.

It got even better when they consummated said love. Yuri thoughts ran straight into the gutter as he remembered their first time. Kind of, Wolfram had made it to second base in the past, then he was caught by Gwendal and his boyfriend at the time was promptly executed. Thank you, Gwendal. Unnecessary drama quickly eliminated.

Yuri broke out of his musings when he felt his pen move. His telepathic ability actually worked! But then he noticed what the pen wrote. "Wolfram". On his expensive official document paper! Yuri blinked and got a wickedly wonderful thought. The perfect way to alleviate his boredom! He chuckled as he wrote down every thought about his fiancé that came to his mind.

"_Wolfram"_

_Do you know how sexy you are? I just thought you needed to know that. I miss you so much baby it hurts. Especially at night, in bed. I lay there thinking about you and it makes me hard just thinking about all the wonderful things we do in there. I think about your blue uniform and how I'd like to slowly peel it off you one piece at a time. I love to tease you, baby. I love to brush across your hot skin with my nails as I kiss you. It feels so good when you bite my lip to tell me you want more. But I won't. We both know that's no fun, ne? I love the sounds you make when I suck on that special spot on your pale throat as I play with your nipples. Oh, I can just imagine the feel of one of those pink buds in my mouth._

It was at this point Yuri started to pant. His pen scribbled furiously across the paper as his imagination ran away at full speed. The dirtier, the better. Sweat dribbled down his temple and a certain lump formed between his legs.

_Can you imagine it, Wolfram? My tongue laving around your tit, my teeth grazing the delicate skin? Your plump ass in my hand, hot and soft like a baby's, that pink hole twitching as my finger stretches it to fit my hard cock. You love it when I do that, don't you? Yes, you do. I can see it as your eyes glaze over and that adorable little mouth drools onto your cute little chin._

_Just you wait, when you get home I'm going to fuck you senseless. I'm going to throw you down on the nearest surface and tear your clothes to shreds. I'm going to kiss you so hard you won't be able to think. We're gonna break every piece of god damn furniture in this castle. So, hurry up, babe. My sword misses its sheath._

_Oh yeah, and Greta broke out in a rash again. I think it's on her hoo-ha this time, since she won't stop scratching there. So can you pick up that herb cream in that southern village with the statue of me in pumpkin pants in the town center on your way back? _

_Who's your big daddy?_

_Shibuya Yuuri, that's who._

His pen finally slowed and stopped. Yuuri leaned back to examine his handiwork.

"Dear god, did I write that?" He laughed inwardly. "Wolf would kill me if I actually sent him that!"

Once he got that out of his system, he found that he could now write that letter to Caloria- wait, looks like someone decided to pay Yuuri a 'visit'. Oops…..gotta get that.

Fifteen minutes later.

After he got rid of that little problem, his pen went right to work and Yuuri was amazed at how easily the words came to him now. 'Maybe my hormones were blocking my thinking.'

Once he finished, he placed his trusty pen in its holder and got up to eat lunch. In his moment of renewed inspiration, he didn't put all his papers away, leaving a disorganized pile on the table.

As he walked down the hallway whistling a tune, he noticed his best friend Murata turning the corner and walking towards him.

Murata waved at Yuuri's approaching form. "Hey, Shibuya! I was just coming to check on you. It seems like Gunter will be out of commission for the rest of the week."

"Thanks, but I got it under control."

"You sure? Okay, I'm about to mail a letter to Yozak-"

"Why?"

"Cause I want to."

"Okay….."

"Do you need me to mail anything?"

Yuuri remembered his letter. "Um, yeah. I finished that reply to Caloria. It's all set and ready if you could mail it out for me that would be great."

"Okay, Shibuya. Consider it done."

"Thanks." Then Yuuri continued on his way to lunch.

Murata walked casually into Yuuri's luxurious office and quickly spotted the Caloria letter among the scattered papers.

'Seriously, how does he find anything in here?' with a sigh Murata picked up the letter. As he lifted the parchment, his spectacled eyes fell on a short one page note not written in the formal etiquette of state correspondence.

Always one for delving into other people's business, the sage dropped the important letter to the floor and snatched up the note.

'Wolfram?' Murata skimmed the letter, then paused and read every obscene word carefully. Murata's face turned bright red, not from embarrassment, but from trying to hold back the raucous laughter that demanded to escape from his trembling lips.

'That man…..can _not_…talk dirty!" Murata's attempts to hold in his joy were beginning to cause pain. He finally gave up and let out a huge guffaw over his friend's dorky attempts at being sexy. As he wiped away tears an idea came to mind.

A terrible idea,.

A terrible, wicked, idea.

A terrible wicked, hilarious, idea.

A terrible, wicked, hilarious, idea that would probably cost him his friendship with the demon king. The evil seeped through Murata's Cheshire grin as he tenderly folded the paper neatly and almost affectionately rolled it into a little scroll to go on the leg of the nearest ready messenger pigeon. In all honesty, Murata had suffered from boredom as much as Yuuri had. He was just going to send a chatty letter to Yozak with a funny picture he found on earth. But this was so much better!

As he carried out his treachery, his mind cackled gleefully and gloatingly. 'I'm in sooo much trouble! I can't wait!'

Ten minutes later.

The sadistic sage lifted the bird into the air with all the flourish of a Hollywood movie.

'Fly precious dove! Bring me some entertainment! Show me your vitality and dedication! Fly, great one!' He watched the dove disappear into the afternoon horizon. The letter would reach the border by tomorrow morning. In that time Murata would head back to the Shinou Temple with some popcorn and chocolate, have Ulrike pull up the ensuing scene in her globe thingy or as he liked to call it 'The Yuuri Channel.' And enjoy the show.

Fin.

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I will be totally honest with you right now. I have never in my life written a sex scene or talked dirty to any body. I don't even remember how I got the idea for this story. So I just went for it blind. I won't even try to be sexy at all, cause I'm not like that. I have no skill whatsoever at flirting, seduction, groping, raping etc. Yuuri's letter was written exactly how it would have been had I written one to my boyfriend. Which I don't have right now, as you could probably figure.

Even then, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm thinking about doing a second chapter and making this a two shot. **Whine** But writing that letter was hard! How can I do a full blown sex scene?! Oh well, to the yaoi collection for some research!!!! For those of you experienced with writing sex scenes I would love some tips before I get started, like how to make it sexy without being gross.

Please review. I'm always looking for ways to improve or hear how awesome I am!

Ciao! ElisiansBane


	2. Chapter 2

Here it is! Chapter two! I had a really hard time figuring this one out since I didn't know where to go from the last chapter. But I persevered. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I always appreciate feedback from ya'll and I'm not one of those authors who requires a quota for their reviews or they won't update. I call them rev-whores with all my respect XP. Please enjoy!

Warning: explicit sexual descriptions, language, bad puns. Not beta read.

I don't own Kyou Kara Maou or any of its affiliates. I only own a laptop for which to write my stories.

"speech"

'thoughts'

Letter Sex

Chapter Two: the reply

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"Alphonse von Leiber!"

"yes, sir!"

"Edward von Albrecht!"

"yes, sir!"

"Heidrich von Fischer!"

"yes, sir!"

"Niklas von Weber!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Kevin Jenkins!.........Kevin!"

Wolfram von Bielefeld scanned the line of blue clad soldiers with annoyance and then the surrounding environment with increasing annoyance. It was the last day before they were supposedly to go home after two weeks of patrolling. And it had been the most difficult patrol Wolfram had ever been on in his young military career. Their first day on the border they had to investigate a robbery and track down the thieves, which went a lot harder than it had too thanks to the horrendous weather and accompanying mud slides.

And don't get him started about the locals.

His men had been summoned to do everything from find a little girl's lost pet to fixing the drainage system in one of the inns. They had been called on the settle domestic disturbances which involved saving a woman from being strangled by her ex-husband and arresting a stalker who was bothering a man's teenage daughter. Anything and everything under the god-blessed sun had befallen poor Wolfram and his exhausted fire wielders. And to top everything off there was a possibility he and his soldiers would have to stay an extra week if Conrad and his unit weren't able to reach Shin Makoku by tomorrow from a political visit due to yet another hurricane in Caloria. Why did they have to travel by boat?

All Wolfram wanted was to go home, eat food that wasn't salted or dried, play with his daughter, take a bath and go to bed… preferably with his fiancé.

But alas he could not, and now one of his soldiers was missing.

In all honesty, considering who was missing, he shouldn't be surprised.

Wolfram didn't bother to hide the growl scraping against his throat.

"KEVIN!!!!" he waited, no answer came.

"I know you can hear me! Get the hell out here!" He turned toward his punctual soldiers. "Where the hell is Kevin?"

The soldiers glanced at each other nervously. To say their captain had not been in a good mood since day one would be like describing the cleavage of Cecilie von Spitzberg as 'tastefully plump'. Granted, their captain rarely showed any other emotions other than grim barely concealed annoyance or apathy. To incite the full rage of their captain was certain suicide, yet one soldier seemed to invite death by the captain's hands on a regular basis.

Kevin.

One soldier, Alphonse, second-in-command, spoke up timidly. "I-I think he went out last night and hasn't returned yet, Sir…"

"And why hasn't he returned?" Wolfram barked, completely exhausted of patience. He suddenly spun around and screamed out towards the heavens with his signature decibel of 200dB. The soldiers promptly covered their ears to prevent added damage to their hearing already diminished from their rookie days.

"KEVIIIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!"

"I'm right here! Damn it!"

Wolfram glared at the skinny figure trumping over the hill from the village they were stationed near by.

"Where have you been and where is your uniform?"

Kevin walked until he stood four feet in front of his captain. His blue uniform, once pristine and regal was now perverted into some shredded design that was reminiscent of the catamites that walked the streets of Shin Makoku's red light district. His blue jacket had been torn into a kind of vest with only one or two buttons that left his flat belly exposed, his pants hung dangerously low around supple hips. His ears and nose sported silver piercings and his left eyebrow was chained to his left ear lobe via a thin delicate sterling chain. His upper arm was tattooed with the words '_One o' da Bitchboys'_ inserted into a heart accented with a skull and crossbones. His hair once as blond as his captain's was streaked with loud shades of pink and blue and completed his punk look.

Overall……even words escaped the author.

Wolfram's right eye twitched uncontrollably, something it did quite often when Kevin was involved.

"What the hell are you wearing, Kevin!?"

Kevin merely looked at his superior with utter condescension. "How many times do I have to tell you, Wolfram? My name isn't Kevin, it's Ice Pick. It says so on my tongue piercing."

A vein popped on Wolfram's forehead. Every day, he was looking more and more like a blond version of his oldest brother. He kept his voice eerily calm.

"And besides mutilating your body and dressing like a whore, which can't possibly have taken an entire night, what were you doing since last evening, I-Stink?"

If Kevin heard the insulting homonym of his 'name', he didn't show it. He tucked a lock of neon pink hair behind a metal laden ear nonchalantly.

"I was out committing serial murder and raping sheep to satisfy my bestial desires for flesh..." He stated with utmost seriousness.

Wolfram wasn't buying. "Uh-huh. Why don't we have a little talk privately, I-Pink?"

"It's Ice Pick!"

"Sure."

Wolfram led Kevin away from the other soldiers who had now dispersed to their respective posts along their section of border. He came to a stop next to his horse and Kevin's under a tree where the mounts not in use were kept and cared for. Kevin sauntered behind the simmering prince, completely careless and completely self-assured he would get what he wanted.

Wolfram sized up the young demon.

"Let's make one thing clear, _Kevin_." The blonde spoke slowly and deliberately. "You can rape and pillage all you want. It doesn't matter how many holes or stains you have in your body. It doesn't matter what vulgar acts you commit in your off-duty time, it doesn't even matter how late you are or how often you show up for training or whatever. You can even be as rude as your little heart desires. I'm. Not. Going. To. Fire. You. Ever."

Kevin was honestly shocked. He was sure he would get kicked out of the Fire Division a hot second this time for sure. He had spent his last paycheck getting the tattoos and piercing and scissors to mess up his uniform and he still wasn't getting fired? He thought that after painting graffiti spewing racial slurs against the Maou and spreading rumors about Wolfram's sexual prowess, drastically changing his appearance to cause embarrassment for the Fire Division would surely be the last straw for his stubborn ass cousin!

Wolfram was delighted by the utter disbelief in Kevin's eyes as he absorbed his comments. "Do you know why, Kevin?"

"Cause, you enjoy watching me cringe in utter disgust as the hate seeps through my pores like a dark miasma of perspiration?" Kevin said, flatly.

"Well, there is that." The demon prince smirked. "But that's only a tiny little perk in the grand scheme of things. In reality, dearest cousin, I-Pod, you father and I made a deal; if I gave you a respectable job befitting someone of your birth and made sure you kept the aforementioned job, he would pay for my wedding ceremony upfront in full in addition to a dowry that would rival my mother's first marriage. I'm not going to let you ruin this opportunity for me and nothing - and I mean _nothing _will ruin my chances of having my dream wedding. Understand?"

"Would you fire me if I had Winigo?"

"What's Winigo?"

"A paralyzing fear of being turned into a cannibal by unseen dark forces."

"No."

"But what if-"

"I said no, Kevin!" with a huff Wolfram turned toward his steed and reached into the saddle bag. "I reiterate, _nothing_, will make me fire you. Now, be a good boy and take the morning border watch for me, hm?" He shoved a heavy telescope into Kevin's hands and proceeded to walk back towards the camp. His gait was one of complete self-confidence and authority and accentuated his ample hips.

Or as Kevin called it; his lady butt.

As Wolfram's figure began to disappear over the hill, Kevin made one last ditch effort.

"I slept with Yuuri-heika on the eve of his sixteenth birthday after he gave me head in the second floor broom closet!"

He saw the violent shudder tear through Wolfram's retreating back as the young captain strained to contain himself. Everyone knew that despite their now strong emotional bond, Wolfram was still very insecure about his relationship with Yuuri's solidity, especially now that his betrothed was named Shin Makoku's Sexiest Ruler Ever.

"Kevin Jenkins…" Wolfram hissed as he slowly turned around to face his annoying cousin. "You're……"

Kevin's pierced ears perked up in anticipation. 'Fired. You're fired, you're fired! Come on, say it!'

"Going on next month's patrol." Wolfram continued walking back towards his men. "Alphonse! Looks like you're getting that vacation after all!"

Kevin cursed as a distant cry of 'Yay!' rose above the trees.

"I hate that twink so much…."

So there Kevin sat on a hill overlooking the border. He lazily twirled the telescope in his hands while he stewed over his predicament. How? How could he not fire him? Half the things Kevin had done would have gotten any other soldier court marshaled in a second, but not Kevin. The unfairness was infuriating, just last month a soldier in the Fire Division had gotten fired because he was late one too many times! Kevin had skipped training and patrol duties without permission more times than he could count and he still wasn't thrown out on his rear like he should have been.

For the eight millionth time, Kevin sighed in defeat. He was really beginning to miss his friends at the Artist's Association. His father and Wolfram's Uncle Waltorana had never approved of Kevin's friends or his lifestyle. He never appreciated Kevin's paintings or sculptures no matter how hard Kevin had tried to make them fit his father's impossibly high standards. Waltorana had wanted his son to be a perfect heir for the Bielefeld family, so he forbid Kevin from hanging out with his artist friends calling them 'ratty, unsophisticated, uneducated, promiscuous, bohemian street urchins.' And forced Kevin to study things like military strategy and theory.

So Kevin rebelled. He skipped his studies, painted graffiti on the walls of the Bielefeld castle, snuck a one night stand into the castle, and got drunk at a state dinner.

So, Waltorana retaliated by naming Wolfram his heir and getting Kevin a job as a soldier in Wolfram's division.

Wolfram was everything that Kevin hated about aristocrats. Wolfram was the standard of the young noble. Good-looking, snobby, entitled, uptight, self-centered; everything Kevin hated about the court nobles.

To make matters worse, nobody, especially Waltorana would shut the hell up about Wolfram von friggin Bielefeld. Every goddamn day it was:

'_Wolfram did this!' _

'_Wolfram said that!'_

'_Wolfram's soooooooo pretty and handsome!' _

'_Kevin, why can't you be more like your cousin, __**Wolfram**__?'_

It made him sick to the point where sick wouldn't accurately describe the amount of sickness he felt when ever he was compared or judged based on Wolfram and whatever little shoddy thing he did. Why couldn't anyone see what he saw? Wolfram was like any other nobleman; privileged, whiny, stuck-up, out of touch with the real world. His beauty and prowess were severely overrated. Kevin was never impressed by his cousin's looks or his skill at magic. He could think of a couple historical figures and present day people who were better and better looking than Wolfram. They only lacked a high birth.

Kevin hated his job, hated being outdoors, fighting, getting all sweaty and sticky and saving people's rears from stupid stuff like, bandits. The bandits around the border had a special brand of stupidity, anyone could take them on! So why did he have to and at the same time put up with these drooling fanboys who called themselves soldiers? He was surprised they got any work done between cooing over how awesome Lord Wolfram was and kissing the prince's rear all day.

Kevin really wanted to get fired, so he could run away and join a traveling band of bohemians and become an artist like his mother. But as long as he had this unwanted tenure in the military, his dream would sadly be all but destroyed.

His moment of self-pity was interrupted by the cooing of a carrier pigeon. The tiny bird landed in front of Kevin, since he was the unofficial message receiver. The creature stared up at Kevin expectantly, dark beady eyes fixed into Kevin's green ones.

"Whatcha got there, Pidge?" Kevin reached for the bird's leg that ad the small metal tube attached to it.

Thinking that it was just another official correspondence, Kevin simply took the note out of the tube without alerting his captain. Surprised at the quality of the paper used for a simple message, Kevin's curiosity was piqued. Unable to help himself and bored out of his mind from sitting and seething, Kevin looked around to make sure no one was nearby, when he was sure the coast was clear he carefully unrolled the paper and skimmed over the words. He stopped.

And read it again.

Seriously?

Kevin nearly made himself nauseous with the effort it took not to laugh at his monarch's corny attempt at seduction.

'He ended his love letter with a request for rash cream? That's awesome!'

Kevin continued to vainly stifle his laughter as he read the letter another four times.

'If the captain saw this, he would flip!' Kevin paused. A candle flame (they don't have electricity) went up above his dyed head.

He got an idea

An awesome idea

An awesome, fabulous idea.

An awesome, fabulous idea that would ensure his chance of dishonorable discharge from the military for sure! An awesome fabulous idea that would free him from the confines of soldier life so that he could finally pursue his art!

Kevin did an almost fangirl squee.

Immediately running to his soldier's pack, he reached his horse's saddlebag and rummaged around for a piece of paper and a pencil. He pulled out a cheap piece of parchment made from plant fibers that was wrinkled on one edge, but hey, it would do. He got the broken half of a charcoal pencil and used his horse's flank as a writing board and scribbled the dirtiest filth he could think of, taking extra precaution to mimic his cousin's writing style as much as possible, thanking Shinou for his artistic skills at forgery.

It was the perfect prank to pull on the uppity Prince of Bielefeld.

Ten minutes later the little bird, who had been waiting patiently perched atop Kevin's shoulder, flew into the late morning sky with all the drama of the previous lift off.

'Fly, young creature! Bring me my salvation from this utter torment of patriotic duty!'

Kevin grinned as he watched the pigeon disappear over the horizon. The letter would probably make it to the capital by late evening tomorrow if the weather stayed fair. Kevin watched as the bird carried his last hope for freedom across the sky.

Once the pigeon was no longer visible, the young anti-soldier turned and resumed his duty with uncharacteristic devotion as his inner mind celebrated his good fortune.

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FYI, Winigo does exist. I learned about it in my psychology class.

Well, that was….interesting. In all honesty, I think chapter one is my fave. This one didn't feel as…spontaneous to me. The character of Kevin was made up at the last minute, since my previous version of this chapter wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be and I also wanted to stall a little on wolfram's reaction a little for added suspense. That and I can't decide on a reaction for Wolfram, and because I didn't want to keep people waiting (cuz that's annoying) I created Kevin, who is a lot like me in personality once I think about it. But he is NOT a mary-sue (I'm allergic to those things, give me hives).

Please tell me what you think. Your opinions do matter. I do not want to write a fic my readers don't like!

Also, any ideas for the next chapter would really be appreciated, I'm running out.

A heads up for you guys. I'm on my last month of the spring semester at college so I'll be bogged down with projects and exams, therefore updating will be slow, but I will continue working on this fic, if people like it enough.

Love y'all! ElisiansBane


	3. Preview of New Story

Hello again! This is ElisiansBane with a possibly fourth Kyou Kara Maou Fanfic. I got this idea fro a vague memory I have of reading a romance novel in BJ's. I wrote this before The Wedding Bells and I'm debating whether or not to continue this story, and since I haven't started on the third chapter of Letter Sex and I know my readers are anxious, I will instead post this short preview to help tide you over until I get Letter Sex going again. Thank you all for being so patient, and please tell me what you think of this story, I really need to know if it's worth continuing or not.

With love, ElisiansBane

Pairings: Yuuram, Sarayuu, Wolf/OC (but one-sided because I refuse to let Wolf fall for anyone else! Also OC may change to canon character)

Warnings: Angst, Violence, sadomasochism, non-consensual sexuality. (maybe I should up the rating?)

Summary: Wolfram has now become the Maou after his fiance's murder. He struggles everyday dealing with politics, a grieving daughter, and living under the shadow of his late beloved's profound legacy. He tries to fulfill Yuuri's last wish by finalizing the alliance between Shin Makoku and the newly crowned king of Dai Shimaron, Saralegui, but painful memories and a terrible plot surface when he meets the new Prince Consort of Dai Shimaron, Prince Johan.

Requiem Mass-prologue

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He could not stand the smell.

He could not stand the heat.

He could not stand the dread.

He despised the presence of the bottles, syringes, herbs, measuring spoons, Gisela's constant appearing and disappearing in the room. He could not tolerate the drawn curtains, the roaring fire that made the unbearable heat. He cringed as the healer walked in once more with yet another armload of medicinal plants to be ground up and rerelease that unbearable smell into the unbearably hot room.

Sweat either from anxiety or the accursed heat trickled lazily down his temple as his mind fervently replayed that night's events in the tired lenses of his eyes. What was supposed to be a celebration, a commemorative ball to honor their king and his accomplishments ended in disaster the second that wine-filled golden goblet fell from panting lips and clanged onto the marble floors as the guests looked on in confusion. He could remember looking on in shock as the myriad of expressions of shock, pain and blankness played across the face of his lover. He remembered reaching out to catch the limp body as it crumbled to the ground. The gasps and shouts for help were a distant echo in is mind as he stared into the blank stare of his fiancé, his love, his king.

His Yuuri.

He remembered his half-breed brother snatching the young monarch from his frozen arms, screaming for Gisela as Gwendal and Gunter tried to calm the panicked guests and maintain crowd control as onlookers squeezed in to catch a glimpse of the fallen king.

He remembered watching his half-breed brother, Conrart swiftly carry Yuuri's limp black clad body out of the ballroom to the royal bedchamber and running after them, praying for his fiancé to be alright.

That was two weeks ago.

At first, they merely thought it was exhaustion. Too big a workload to be completed over too little time was the cause of the king's predicament. At the very worst, Gisela said, it might be the flu, since Yuuri was running a slight fever and complaining of minor aches once he had regained consciousness. They all believed that with some rest and a lighter workload, Yuuri would be fine in a couple of days.

But he was not.

His condition only worsened. From minor aches and a slight fever, his health deteriorated into a vicious fever, crippling muscle cramps, headaches, vomiting, delirium, uncontrollable shaking, and immobility. He could not walk, or eat. His sleep was interrupted by nightmares and once, a seizure. Nothing worked for long or worked at all. His nausea was so severe he could not keep the medicine down long enough for it to absorb. Maryoku treatments only lasted so long and took a large amount of energy from the healer. No one had any idea what could have afflicted their beloved king, in his youthful prime.

Gwendal had taken over as head of the kingdom. Taking care of paperwork and documents as well as handling letters of sympathy and encouragement from Shin Makoku's allies. Some even offered their own physicians to help in any way possible in healing the king and their own remedies. But it was no use.

And now, here he was, sitting on a hard stool beside the bed he shared with his fiancé for three years. He gently squeezed the pale quivering hand that barely had strength to return the gesture. His free hand stroked back a piece of sweat soaked hair from his beloved's face. His thin fingers trailed over dark sunken eyes and sickly skin and dry lips. He had half a mind to ask Gisela to put out the fire so Yuuri (and himself) could be more comfortable. But that would not be possible. Even if Yuuri felt hot to them, the young king complained of being too cold and the slightest drop in temperature would wake him and trigger another series of cramps.

"You need to rest, Kakka." Gisela's calm voice sliced through his thoughts like a knife. "You're no good half alive."

"Why should I complain of being half alive when Yuuri is barely clinging to life as it is?" He said irritably. "He can't be left alone, he needs someone near him in case he needs anything. I'm his fiancé it is my duty to watch over him, while he's ill."

"Kakka, nothing will happen while he is under my watch. At least go get something to eat. Dinner is served and I know you have not left this place for two days now."

"But-"

"Kakka," her tone became firm. "Please. He will be fine."

Wolfram was about to speak in protest when he heard a soft groan from the bed. Both immediately forgot their conversation and stared at Yuuri's drawn face as he slowly opened bloodshot glazed eyes.

"Hnn…Wolf-ram?" His voice was hoarse as he struggled to lift his head from the pillow.

"Sh, Yuuri. Don't move. What is it? I'm here." He stroked the king's temple reassuringly.

Yuuri's eye drilled into Wolfram's gaze. His cracked lips struggled silently to form words and produce sound, but it was near impossible. Just trying to speak took more energy than Yuuri now possessed.

"I-I ….sorry." He gasped.

Wolfram did not like the look of defeat in Yuuri's gaze or how the soukoku's body seemed to shrink into the bed.

"Sorry for what?" He felt panic rise in the depths of his soul. "There's nothing to be sorry for." There couldn't be.

Yuuri took in a deep ragged breath. "I'm…..naming you….Maou." His final word came as merely a breath as the last of his strength was spent and he collapsed back into the damp pillows.

*********************************

"Heika..."

"Yes?"

"The King of Shin Makoku is dead, his fiancée will be named the new king."

"Excellent, now things will move much faster. Dismissed."

"Yes, Heika."

A thin fair figure stared at a crystal bottle half empty of a luminescent milky liquid. He mentally congratulated himself for yet another well executed plan. It will all be his soon. He had his kingdom, his power, and very soon he will have a worthy companion.

His smooth serpent-like voice caressed each word like the mere pronunciation brought him the greatest ecstasy.

"It won't be long now, my love. You will be mine."

Fin.

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Alright, so what do you think? And I promise as soon as I move back home for summer I will get back to work on Letter Sex, I may even tie the plots together if it can work. Love ya'll! -EB


	4. Chapter 4: Pen Palz 4 evah!

Letter Sex Chapter Three

Hello, everyone! Here it is finally, the third chapter of Letter Sex (I'm seriously considering changing the name since it sounds lewd, but this is the 'M' and someone got away with naming their fic "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" which was a very 'interesting' read, so I might not change it.) Anyhoo, I ran into a bit of trouble when I realized that I got so excited over my other fic 'Requiem Mass' getting such good feedback from the reviews that I ran into 'comedic writer's block' I could only think of ways to kill people off instead of writing corny dirty letters. . I won't bore you with my rants.

I hope this chapter is as good as the others and remember feedback is very important to me because I will never write a fic my readers don't like and the only way I can assure that is if the readers tell me what's on their minds.

Please enjoy chapter three!

Hugs'n'kisses! – EB 3

To my reviewers

**Zeroworkethic** love your username by the way 3! Okay, okay, here's chapter three!

**Yuka Hasumi** I think your stories are adorable! And here's chapter three!

**TheLadyPendragon** Thanks for the thoughtful review. Kevin's views of Wolfram are a bit exaggerated and that's on purpose. However, I created Kevin because I got tired of the (for lack of better wording) worshipful and fangirly writing on concerning Wolfram. I just wanted a character who wasn't tripping over themselves for Wolfram, not that there's anything wrong with that style if it's your thing, but it was getting kinda old for me. As for Requiem Mass, I can't reveal too much but don't worry, I only write Yuuram and yuuram Requiem Mass shall be!

**Blackhaven16** and that's exactly why I wrote Requiem Mass, I wanted to see a story where Yuuri is the one taken and Wolfram has to get him back.

**-chan** I KNOW! I thought it would be a two-shot too! But sadly no.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kyou Kara Maou or any of its affiliates, I simply own a DVD of episodes 41-45. If I did own KKM, it would be in the porn section, that's all I'm saying….

Warnings: corny humor, sexual descriptions, same as the other two. Not beta read.

Pairing: Yuuram and _Murakev _?!?!?!?! tell me what you think people.

Chapter Three: Pen Pals 4 Ever!

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Murata Ken knew disappointment. Disappointment out of all the people he had ever known in his expansive lifetime over hundreds of countries, cities, towns, and villages, had been his most loyal and constant companion. Disappointment was a demanding and stubborn mistress that came in several forms, one was in his choice of lovers, all beginning when he gave his virginity to Shinou, which ended in him drunk and tied to the bed and talking dirty in pig Latin. Please don't ask, not even he knew how that happened or why and frankly he didn't want to know. Disappointment came in the form of betrayal, when Shinou came to him one night to tell him that in a drunken stupor he slept with that butch chick Rufus von Bielefeld and got her pregnant with what would become the ancestor of the Bielefeld family. Disappointment came in the form of bankruptcy when he had to pay Lord von Wincott forty-five gold pieces for betting that Rufus was indeed a gay male and not a woman as Wincott had insisted.

Which was just wrong. He was the Great Sage! Great Sages don't lose bets!!! It was a fluke and he let Wincott win. He didn't need the money. He'd get Shinou to pay that bill.

Disappointment came in a final recent form when he finally made it back to the Shinou temple to watch the fun unfold as the young Lord von Bielefeld opened his fiancé's never to be read filthy sex letter and the ensuing chaos that would probably end in the young king's untimely death. Why did he find death so entertaining? Maybe it was because he himself could not technically die, so he did it vicariously through others in morbid fascination.

He arrived only to find that Shinou had gotten there first and was using Ulrike's mirror to spy into the priestesses' changing room. In light of these events and that fact that he had already seen the priestesses naked (it wasn't THAT special), he decided to check in at Blood Pledge Castle and see what everyone else was up to.

Murata was walking past Yuuri's office to see if Gwendal was in and if Yozak had sent a reply to his letter containing a picture of a cat sitting at a computer with the caption _"In Yur Fontz Makin up Wurdz, Yo!"_ As he passed by the slightly ajar oak doors he heard a soft cooing from within the huge office.

A cooing?

Murata inquisitively opened the door and his black eyes lit up when he saw the little resilient pigeon sitting quietly upon the windowsill staring expectantly at the Sage, waiting for him to take the little scroll tied around his skinny ankle. The scroll bore the official royal seal of the Fire Mazoku Division of the King's Army. Murata almost did a face vault when he saw the little gold stamp holding the letter closed. 'He actually replied?

Several thoughts ran trough the Sage's head. He shouldn't have sent the letter. What if Wolfram was angry and disgusted and wrote back to tell 'Yuuri' as much. He really should have just laughed and left the letter where he found it. Should he let Yuuri find it? Then he'd be caught red handed. He couldn't allow that. What did Wolfram write?

Finally deciding that letting Shibuya find out about the letter through Wolfram's angry reply would lead to an unnecessary conclusion, He called out to the pigeon, who sat patiently on the sill.

"Hey, there little guy. Here Pigy, Pigy.."

Beady black eyes stared at the Sage indignantly as if the creature was saying "_pigy?"_ with a raised eyebrow.

As if responding to the bird's unarticulated thought, Murata gave a sheepish smile. "Right, lame. How about this? Watcha got there little guy?"

Now the pigeon looked downright insulted. _'I've been in this line of work for two years, I've survived hurricanes, arrows, fire balls, falcons, owls, hawks, tornados, lightening and a plague and you have the nerve to talk to me like I'm some mere stool pigeon meant for your amusement. What the hell do you think I got here? Crabs? And it's Captain Christophe the Pigeon the Third to you, heathen!'_

Murata inwardly winced at the silent rant directed at him from Captain Pigeon communicated to him through the proud bird's sharp eyes.

"Eh, gomen?" '_but what am I apologizing for?_' Murata gave another sheepish grin.

'_hmph_!' Captain Pigeon hotly turned his little feathered head away from the Sage. '_you better be_ 'gomen'!'

"Ahem, let's try this again, may I see the letter, Mr. Pigeon?"

'_Captain Pigeon! And no, it's for his majesty!'_ Murata couldn't tell for sure, but he had the inkling that the bird was scowling at him.

"Aw, come on, little dude." Murata tried to reach for the scroll, but the Pigeon gracefully (as graceful as a pigeon could) hopped onto one of the tall book shelves.

'_His Majesty!'_ Captain Pigeon repeated.

Murata's infinite patience was wearing thin. "Let me see it!" He tried to reach the scroll again. But Captain Pigeon was too fast and hopped again to another shelf to the left of the previous one.

'_No!'_

"For the love of god! Let me have that letter you stupid creature!" Murata barked.

If pigeons could gasp, Captain Pigeon would have sucked all the air from the room.

"_How-how DARE you speak to me in such a manner?! And when I'm only doing my sovereign duty to the crown! Dog! Dog, I name thee and a curse upon you and your kin! Bite me, four eyes!'_

Murata proceeded to chase the bird around Shibuya's office knocking down, ink bottles, stacks of books, classified documents and letters and treaties and the occasional war declaration from Dai Shimaron. No matter how hard Murata tried or how close he got to the precious scroll, Captain Christophe the Pigeon the Third was always a step ahead and twice as fast as the lumbering Sage.

Heaving and gasping, Murata came to a stop, propping himself on his knees, he looked up at Captain Pigeon with utter disgust as the bird gloatingly continued to circle the office.

"_Ha-ha! See? Who's the stupid creature now, oh wise Sage?!_' chirped Captain in his pigeon language, which to humans sounded like the typical obnoxious squawking of typical carrier pigeons.

As the winged creature made for another sweep of the room, Murata jumped and caught the bird in mid-flight. The little pigeon made an indignant squawk at being grabbed by his tail feathers_. 'How dare you!?!?'_

Murata ignored the squawking and carefully plucked the tiny scroll from the pigeon's leg. He totally forgot about poor Captain Pigeon and promptly dropped the bird to the ground or wherever he might land. He quickly opened the letter incredibly curious of what kind of reply Wolfram would write.

_My beloved Yuuri,_

_After many a lonely night, your letter arrived at a time when I was most grieved at my plight. These long nights without you have been the sweetest torture. Without the feel of your heat against my smooth skin in the depths of the darkest night, my body and mind have grown frustrated and deprived without the hot sinfulness of your touch. _

_Can you imagine it, my Yuuri? A touch of skin soft and slippery, with the hint of hint of sweat as we fight our resistance beneath the cool sheets, as the wind flows from the window above us, our eyes meeting briefly and begging for the chance to abandon all of our uncertainties. You begin your work on my lips, probing gently as if drawing sex from a deep well of longing and need buried deep in my soul. Then, heated tongues meet in the midst of hot and quickening breath and greedily we drink the wine of our lusts, intoxicated as our clothes are thrown viciously on the floor, piece by piece, until there are no hiding places, for our two glistening and wanting bodies, our hunger revealed in this hot moment. Then skin meshed with skin, as the bed becomes the stage. Your firm heat moving atop of me easily, and you lower yourself gently kissing me as I am filled with you. Your hands stroke the stray strands, of hair away from my forehead, and then become entangled._

_Our slow rhythm giving way to urgent and demanding thrusts of passion, as I arch my body for your comfort, and you throw me into ecstasy, with the strength of your blows leaving me screaming and soaked,_

_You growl my name from the back of your throat in that primitive guttural way that sends its own waves of pleasure into my mind and into my sweat soaked body_

_And our bodies both demand more, each giving to the other, high on the fluids of foreign substance. I grasp, then release you, grasp then release you, the taste of your skin between my lips, like no other. Oh my beautiful Yuuri, can you see it? Feel it? The delicious weight of your taut form crushing me into sweat soaked pillows, your teeth upon my throat marking me forever as your mate. _

_These thoughts make the nights so much colder, lonelier, darker. I pray soon that Lord Weller returns to relieve my men and I of our post so that I may taste that sweet forbidden fruit that is our passion. Like an ember, I wait for your love to rekindle me and light the inferno of my lust._

_Yours forever,_

_Wolfram von Bielefeld._

Was it just Murata, or did the room get ten degrees hotter?

"Hot damn! Excellent choice Mister Von Bielefeld." Murata was very impressed at Von Bielefeld's way with words. It was as if each word was running its lithe fingers down his pupils and tantalizing his visual cortex.

He carefully folded the letter and placed it in his pocket for later 'examination'.

Another wicked idea was born in the Sage's mind as his hand gently placed the letter in his pocket. What if he wrote Von Bielefeld back? It was the perfect prank to play on Shibuya and his temperamental fiancé. There was no real point or reason for this prank. It was a test to see just how far and long he could keep this up and besides, he enjoyed the idea of getting steamy love notes from a sexy, tight, piece of work like the King's hot tempered fiancé, whose hot-temperedness only added to his allure.

Murata took the liberty of taking a leaf of Shibuya's expensive, official document paper and fancy quill and sat down in the king's black leather, fur-lined chair and sat to work composing a worthy reply to Wolfram's salacious temptations.

*******************************************

Well, there it is, sorry it has taken so long, I've just gotten a new job as a cashier and I got writer's block. I really had to force this chapter out and I think it's shows. I'm seriously going to wrap this thing up in two chapters max or I'll just out stay my welcome. I hope you all like this chapter I think it is a nice interlude into the final chapters of the story. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions they'd like to share as to what a satisfactory conclusion would be I would be very grateful. As always, reviews and comments are very welcome. I seriously want to know what you all think.

Review Dammit! Ahem…please. And check out my other work while you're here!

Love ya'll- EB


	5. Chapter 5: Getting Carried Away

Letter Sex 4: Getting Carried Away

I am so sorry it has taken so long! But I got hit with the worst case of writer's block ever! It just became impossible to think up jokes for the story and then I couldn't figure out how to end it and then I got all these ideas for serious drama fics and was too depressed to think of anything funny! Then Finals at my college were brutal and totally kicked my ass and all I did was write essays!

Thank you to everyone who has followed this story and left their reviews. I really appreciate it and I hope to hear what you think about this chapter. As a treat for being so cool and patient, I have made this chapter extra long. I hope you guys like it and I hope it stays true to the character. Thank you again and I look forward to hearing from you all in the New Year!

Luvies! - EB

Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out by now, then shame on you

Warnings:…..Language, sexuality, and corny jokes.

* * *

The telescope moved towards the East; Houses, farmland and the mountains. The telescope moved North; more mountains and small masses moving across the mountainside that turned out to be herds of sheep. The telescope moved to the West; nothing there but trees and the campsite. Kevin let out a bored sigh and slowly moved the telescope towards the South.

Trees and sky, trees and more sky, A fluffy cloud and….Dear King, a giant green eyeball!!!!

"Bwak!" Kevin jumped back, the telescope slipped from his sweaty hand. "What the hell!?"

"Hello, Kevin." Wolfram greeted smoothly ignoring his cousin's outburst. "See anything out of the ordinary?"

"Besides your gratuitous bottom? No, sir."

Wolfram let out an exasperated huff. He had only a vague inkling of what happened between Kevin and his father. He did know from various Von Bielefeld manor staff that the fight that cost Kevin his inheritance was one of the worst screaming matches that ever occurred on the Bielefeld lands and that was no small feat considering the notoriously hot headed and loud Bielefeld clan.

"Look, seriously, Kevin, I don't want to fight. I have enough issues to deal with and the last thing I need is a mouthy subordinate. You've made it very clear that you hate this job, so you can cut the crap now because quite honestly we get it and it's getting old and you need to take responsibility for yourself. Got it?"

Kevin simply stared apathetically at his frustrated cousin. And then he sniffed.

"Have you been eating onions?"

"Oh Great Shinou in heaven, Why, Kevin, why are you such an immature asshole!?" Wolfram was at his breaking point; he had enough of Kevin and his antics. He was very close to just ending his cousin's life and putting him out of his misery. He had a million different things to think about and take care of before he got back home and he did not need his dumb cousin making things worse.

Kevin simply looked at his cousin through gold lashes and stated quite simply. "It's my nature, would you have me any other way?"

"Actually, yes. I would very much have you a different way. I would have you be quiet and obedient and responsible and a multitude of other things that would make my life so much easier."

"So, you obviously want the apocalypse to happen? Wolfram, that's so mean."

Wolfram felt yet another migraine wiggle its way into the back of his skull. He lifted his hand and gestured to Kevin with a pointed finger. "One of these days, Kevin Rudolph Maia Angelou von Bielefeld, you will regret your behavior and be begging me for forgiveness."

Kevin's eyes narrowed and he leaned forward slightly. "So you really want that apocalypse?"

Wolfram heaved a dramatic sigh. Why was he even trying?

"Fine, Kevin. Be that way. But mark my words, this will come back to bite you in the ass when you least expect it."

Kevin scoffed. "What more can you and that jerk of a father do to me? Disown me? Assign me to more patrols? You've already done that several times."

"How about you clean the stables for a year?" Wolfram shot back.

"You made me do that last year!"

Wolfram gave a smile that was evil in its cheerfulness. "Well, you can do it this year, since you need to relearn your lesson!"

Without another word, Wolfram did a perfect spin on his heels and marched off back to where he and the other soldiers were eating lunch.

If Kevin had twenty fingers, he would be telling Wolfram to fuck himself times four. Unfortunately he did not, so he was left to make due with only ten fingers and making rude faces at his cousin's retreating back.

Kevin went back to his tree and plopped down with a huff. He vaguely wondered if His Majesty received the fake love letter he had sent the other day and if he actually replied. Kevin began to fantasize about how he would get Wolfram to find out about the letter in the most embarrassing way possible. Should he steal the letters and then sell them to the local newspaper? How about writing an 'invitation' to Wolfram in His Majesty's name for a night of passion in the royal mausoleum and then dump a bucket of cream on him as he walked through the door!? Or at the next poetry reading at the palace, he can read the letters aloud in front of the entire court? The possibilities were endless! He would give anything to see the look on Wolfram's face as erotic letters bearing his name were read to his closest colleagues! That will teach the Little Lord Tool to keep him prisoner in a cruddy job!

His dreams were interrupted by the familiar flapping of little wings. Speak of the devil.

Christophe the Pigeon landed gracefully onto Kevin's outstretched arm, a scroll tied neatly to his skinny ankle.

Christophe fluffed his wings irritably. _'You will not believe that time I had back at the palace! There was this man in glasses who tried to steal my very important message to his majesty! Honestly, I thought you could get hanged for such treason. Why, back when I was a young fledgling, we never-'_

"Hey, Pidge! What's got you in a bunch?" Kevin affectionately stroked the feathers under Christophe's chin.

'_I'm trying to tell you! There is a terrible breach in security in the palace! His Majesty is in danger! Men in glasses are trying to steal confidential information in order to bring down the monarchy! Are you listening to me!?'_

Kevin ignored the bird's squawking as he undid the little string that held the scroll in place and carefully unrolled the letter.

_My sexy Wolfram,_

_Your letter was like a shining beacon of hope on a dark abysmal horizon that cut through the mediocrity that is my everyday life. These nights without you have left me equally as frustrated and desperate for the hot sweet taste of your sex. I want feel your skin on my tongue and lap up the nectar of your arousal. I want to hear your pained cries as you draw ever nearer to your climax. I want to hear you make those sounds that only I can hear. Those dulcet moans and rasping breaths that push past your kiss bruised lips when I take my throbbing sex and fuck you fast and hard, without mercy. Because we both know you like it rough, my dear. No sweet blushing virgin are you, but a fierce demanding seducer burning hotter in your lust than the very flames that you control. I'm sure you are imagining it right now my dearest. Your smooth white legs spread wide as you show your world to me, so tiny, yet yielding so many forbidden pleasures for you and I. I can imagine your nails digging and raking across my back, mixing pain with the pleasure and creating a feeling that is nearly indescribable for its intensity renders coherent speech useless and awkward._

_This is too much, Wolfram. I am at the end of my sanity. If you do not arrive here by the end of the week, I will take my horse and ride out to meet you at the border. I will dismount, grab you by your collar and drag you to the nearest tree and fuck you harder than you've ever been fucked before and to hell with who sees us. I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. Please, for my sake, please come home!_

_Yours forever,_

_Yuuri_

"He's improved since the first one…" Kevin muttered, as he reread the letter.

Christophe nodded as only pigeons can. _'How…animalistic. But this is confusing. It isn't written like a letter containing important military intelligence. Maybe it's a code!'_

"I'll really have to work hard to match this." Kevin folded the letter and placed it in his pocket. He retrieved his paper and pencil.

Kevin leaned back against the rough bark of his tree and set immediately to work writing a reply.

* * * ** * * * LS * * * * * *

Murata was sitting in Yuuri's study, playing chess with himself while Yuuri finished his evening sword practice with Conrad. The Demon King had allowed Murata the use of his study, since they were still renovating one of the other rooms in the palace to make a space for Murata's study.

Murata's mood was currently going downhill, since he was losing to himself. He had just walked into a trap laid by himself that created not one but two checkmates for his opponent.

"Damn! How could I be losing? I'm the Great Sage!" He leaned back in his chair and pushed his glasses up his nose for the umpteenth time. He scoffed at his bad luck. "Chess is stupid anyway."

He sighed and looked out the window. He had sent the letter to Wolfram the evening before yesterday and had not gotten anything back yet. He was slightly disappointed, since Wolfram's letter had given him the best night of his lonely life. He wanted more. A pang of envy coursed its way through his being, Shinou had never been this poetic or sexy in his advances towards the Sage. His attempts at seduction consisted of shoving his hand down Murata's pants and screw the fact that they were in public. Sometimes, Murata wanted a little atmosphere, a little romance, not getting his unmentionables man-handled by a ghost during an important diplomatic meeting with Svelera!

He jumped out of his seat when he heard something hit the glass of the windows. He turned around to see what the commotion was. Did Yuuri accidently throw his sword too hard? He opened the windows and peered out into the evening sky.

Nothing.

He was about to close the door and get back to his game, when he heard cooing from beneath him.

'_Bastard! Why did you lock the pigeon door!? I think my beak is chipped!'_ Christophe gave the Sage the ugliest little glare his pigeon face muscles could manage. _'Oh god it's you. I'm going to report you to the Chief of State! He will have you hanged for your treachery! And what are you doing in his Majesty's study? Stealing no doubt! Well you won't get this like you did last time. I will fight you to the death, cretin!'_

"Awesome! He wrote back!" Murata was giddier than a fat man at a barbecue festival. He reached for the scroll, but before his finger brushed the rough paper. Christophe pecked savagely at his hand.

"Ow! That wasn't nice!" Murata rubbed the back of his hand as he glared back at the hot-headed fowl.

'_You will not succeed in your evil plot! I will destroy you!'_ Christophe flew into Murata's face, wings slapping the sides of the young man's head while beak and claws swiped at his eyes and neck.

Murata cursed as he struggled to get the pigeon off his face. He tripped over his own foot and slammed against the desk, knocking over the chess pieces. A chess pawn rolled under his foot and sent the panicking sage to the floor with a loud bang.

"What the fuck! Get off!" Murata screamed. His arms and legs waved and slapped at the air desperate to get the spunky bird off of him.

'_DDDIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!'_ screeched Christophe. He made a move for Murata's right eye but was knocked off by one of Murata's flailing hands. He flew up to one of the bookshelves and landed behind a random potted plant.

Murata got up from the floor as fast as he could. His face was scratched and clumps of black hair floated to the carpet as he tried to calm himself. His eyes frantically scanned the room, but saw no sign of Satan's Pigeon.

"That thing is so dead, when I get my hands on it!" He hissed. He continued to try to locate the bird, but Christophe had hidden himself well behind the potted fern. He stopped when he saw the scroll sitting innocently on the floor, apparently knocked loose from its ties during the mayhem.

He approached the scroll cautiously, keeping one eye trained on the bookshelves that lined the study. He slowly bent over and carefully reached for the letter.

The second his fingers touched the paper, he heard an unearthly screech from behind him.

"Oh shit!"

'_For the Crown!'_ Christophe dive-bombed Murata from his place behind the plant and pecked and clawed at Murata's head. His claws grabbed the mass of black hair and tried to pull the enemy away from the precious scroll.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow-OOOOOWWWW!" Christophe yanked a considerable chunk of hair from Murata's scalp. "You are dead, chicken!"

"_My sentiments, exactly, heathen!'_ Christophe let go of Murata's hair and grabbed the scroll into his claws and attempted to fly out the open window. But Murata was too fast. He got his wits about him and lunged for the window and the force of his hands slammed the doors shut and caused Christophe to crash head first into the thick glass. Feathers floated to the ground as the hapless little pigeon slid slowly to the ground in a daze.

'_Damn…..you'_ Christophe fell to the floor with a soft thud. _'And so ends my legacy. A brave soldier cut down in his prime defending his king. May I stand as a testament to the sacrifice that is demanded of all soldiers and that this moment may be an example of pure-hearted bravery to the vestal virgins that come after me. Forgive me your majesty, it has been an honor to- HEY, I'm trying to give a death speech here! As my enemy, you can at least pay attention!'_

Murata was currently reading the letter, ignoring Christophe's pained breaths as he endured his 'final moments' on earth. "Show Daddy what you got, baby boy." He said huskily and began to read.

And so began a cycle of erotic letters supposedly written from Yuuri to Wolfram, but were actually written by Murata and Kevin using Yuuri and Wolfram's names without their knowledge whatsoever. Kevin and Murata's days quickly became centered on receiving and replying to the erotic manuscripts. It quickly became a sort of competition as each tried their best to out smut the other all the while unknowingly writing to a stranger rather than the King or the Royal Fiancé. Increasingly, the letters went from poetically sensuous to down right pornographic in an attempt to either astound or entice the recipient.

A sample of their erotic works included the eloquent phrases:

_Your tight little ass is mine!_

_Taste my sweet nectar on your tongue as you ride me to the next life!_

_I will lift you to my mouth and suck with all my might until you scream for mercy!_

_Take me hard and fast and then let me take you and show you just how you make me feel!_

_Baby, I think I'm going to come just from writing this letter_

_You're coming!_

_I'm coming!_

'I'm quitting!' Christophe thought as he dragged his tired tail feathers through the sky for the millionth time that week.

The two deviants became so engrossed in their compositions that they eventually forgot the point of writing the letters in the first place. Kevin was forever thankful that Lord Weller's guard ended up being late from their diplomatic visit due to weather, thus forcing the Bielefeld guard to stay on patrol and allowing him to continue his prank for another week and a half. This was much to the mutual enjoyment of Murata, who had now taken to reading the letters in his room, in the dark, with a bottle of lotion and tissues nearby.

In their fervor, they completely forgot the possibility that they could indeed be caught red-handed by those who they claimed to be.

It was the last day of the extended patrol that Kevin and crew found themselves on due to a certain person's lateness. Kevin waited anxiously for the reply that he had timed to arrive precisely now. He was already composing a reply in his head quickly. He was getting worried because his limited sexual activity had not given him much material to work with. He had for the last two or three letters been completely using his imagination and He was doubtful that half of the things he wrote about were actually physically possible. Kevin sat under his usual tree, twirling his telescope lazily as he had since he first received Yuuri's love letter. Wolfram had been surprised when his cousin had volunteered to be the scout for every watch of every day for the past few days. Kevin had simply stated that he had thought about what Wolfram had said and he realized the error of his ways. Wolfram was shocked and a little suspicious of the complete and abrupt turn around in his cousin's behavior, and quite frankly, he did not buy it for one second.

From some distance away, Kevin was being watched. Wolfram was seated around the campfire eating his lunch of beef jerky and stale bread and staring at his cousin. Kevin's behavior as of late did not sit well with the analytical prince. He did not believe for one second that Kevin had changed his ways, especially so quickly. And the circumstances surrounding Kevin's change of heart only intensified Wolfram's suspicions.

He noticed that Kevin would not let any of the other soldiers look at or receive any messages. Wolfram knew that Kevin was getting at least one letter a day, but he never heard about any of them except for when he was given the notice that they would have to stay on the borders longer. But that was a week ago and he knew he saw a pigeon flying back and forth between their camp and the palace at least once a day. He also knew from his other soldiers, that Kevin was always seen either reading or writing a letter and then immediately sending it. Kevin was no longer interested in starting fights with his comrades and was eerily quiet and, Wolfram thought this impossible, _pleasant_ when interacting with people. Something he had not seen his cousin do in……forever.

It was all too weird and something needed to be done and he, Wolfram von Bielefeld, would be the one to do it! He would discover what it was that had Kevin acting so un-Kevin-y!

Wolfram got up and brushed the crumbs from his lap and smoothly strode over to where Kevin was lounging under the tree he had silently claimed as his own. He walked up to Kevin's side and stood there until the young man acknowledged him on his own.

"Wassup, cousin?" Kevin drawled, seemingly half-asleep. He leaned heavily against the tree with his arms folded behind his head for a pillow. He made no move to present himself respectfully and simply looked up at Wolfram with half-open eyes.

"I've noticed that you have been receiving and sending letters to the palace for the last few days and I wanted to know where they are." Wolfram said. He felt that directness was better for the likes of Kevin.

"Nothing, just letters between friends." Kevin answered, and he was sort of right. He and Yuuri had been sharing intimate details with each other like friends (with-benefits).

"Uh-huh." Wolfram said dismissively. "And did you know that using military messenger birds for personal correspondence is prohibited?"

"Yeah, but I figured you wouldn't mind. It being a time of peace and no war and such."

"That is not acceptable. As the messenger, you are required to report ever message sent from the palace to me immediately AND hand over the written document. The carrier pigeons are for military communications only, not for pen buddies."

"I know that…" Kevin pouted.

"Then why are you going against military policy?"

"That's none of your business."

"You're one of my soldiers, everything you do is my business. " He leaned over Kevin menacingly. "What was in those letters you received from your 'friend'?"

"I don't have to tell you anything! Those are my letters!"

"If it's just a friendly letter then it should be no problem for you to give me a summary. We are cousins after all, it's okay for us to talk about these things." Wolfram persisted.

Kevin wasn't buying. "Oh so _now_, you want to be cousins? You're just like father! A complete fake!" Kevin sat up straight and stood from his position on the ground. Too irritated to relax. "If it's just a friendly letter then why do you want to know what's in them? You never cared before!"

"I want to know because I want to see what it is that has made you change from a useless smart-ass into a responsible soldier!" Wolfram snapped, hands firmly on his hips.

"Maybe, I just had a change of heart." Kevin shot back.

Wolfram rolled his eyes. "Oh please, Kevin! Do I look like I was born yesterday?"

"You _do_ look like a pedophile's wet dream." Kevin sneered.

"You're lucky I'm more interested in those letters than your obscene remarks. Anyway, no one changes that fast unless they're trying to hide something and your defensiveness only adds to my suspicion."

"I'm not being defensive! I just don't understand why you feel the need to intrude on my space! I'm behaving for once aren't I? Can't you just leave?!" Kevin was now inches away from Wolfram. Identical pairs of green eyes stared into each other in a silent battle of wills, neither relenting.

Wolfram opened his mouth to make a biting comment, but he stopped when he looked past Kevin and saw a carrier pigeon flying towards them.

Wolfram could not stop the smirk from peeling across his face. "Well." He said. "If you won't tell me, then I'll find out another way." Before Kevin could respond, Wolfram pushed him roughly aside and held out his arm expectantly for the approaching bird. The pigeon automatically landed on Wolfram's blue-clad wrist.

Kevin felt the blood drain from his face and onto the ground. This was not good! So not good! He had completely forgot about the pigeon! If Wolfram read that letter his whole prank would be ruined and he might just get killed!

"Wait! Don't read it!" Kevin lunged for the letter that was attached to the pigeon's leg. But Wolfram merely side-stepped him, causing Kevin to nearly fall face first into the dirt.

"Why not, I-Touch? I am the commanding officer and this is an official military carrier pigeon carrying important military information that I have every right to view." Wolfram said smugly. "Isn't that right, Christophe?" He affectionately patted the pigeon's head. He then made the pigeon perch atop a low hanging tree branch so he could undo the ties easily.

'_Actually,'_ thought the pigeon. _'I am not Christophe, I am his brother, Alexander. He wanted me to tell you that he has resigned from the military and has gone into early retirement. He also wanted me to warn you of black-haired spies with large dorky glasses that have infiltrated the castle security and are planning to over throw the king. It's alright if you don't recognize me. We are twins after all, happens all the time. Do you have any biscuits? I am awfully hungry. Um, are you listening to me?' _

Wolfram untied the letter and held it triumphantly in front of Kevin. "I've caught you red-handed, dearest cousin. I suggest you come clean about whatever it is you've been doing these past few days."

"Wolfram." Kevin growled. "Give. Me. That. Letter!" Kevin dove for his cousin's hand, but Wolfram was once again too fast. He tripped Kevin and sent the flustered boy into the dirt. Kevin got up and tried to trip him back, but Wolfram easily flipped his cousin over his shoulder.

Kevin propped himself up on his elbows as he desperately watched Wolfram begin to unroll the letter. It was too late, there was nothing he could do but watch his cousin stretch out the piece of paper and calmly read it's contents.

A tiny voice in the back of Kevin's mind tried hopelessly to give him some encouragement. 'Maybe it isn't a love letter! It might be an actual military note or something! And we'll be safe and Wolfram will look like a paranoid ass!' But that thought was soon crushed as Kevin watched Wolfram read the letter and then let out a sharp gasp.

Nope, definitely a sex letter.

Kevin had never in his seventy-eight years of life seen someone's face change colors that fast. Fear began to work its way into his stomach as Wolfram's porcelain skin went from white to dark red as he continued reading the letter. His knuckles were white from clenching the edges of the paper. His eyes were as big as saucers and continued growing as the letter grew increasingly more obscene. His breathing began to race and his shoulders quaked and his mouth began to twitch uncontrollably as steam floated from his ears.

"W-what.." Wolfram rasped, his voice barely concealed his mounting anger. "The hell is this?" The paper fluttered in his shaking hands. "What have you been writing to _my_ fiancé, Kevin?!"

"Um…" Kevin was not sure if it was safer to stay on the ground or stand up. "It's not what you think it is, cousin-"

"Then what is it?" Wolfram barked. "Am I supposed to understand that this is _not_ a salacious letter written by _my_ fiancé describing obscene sexual situations? Why would he write something like this? Did you write him, Kevin?"

Kevin pushed himself into a kneeling position and raised his hands in a submissive manner. "No, of course I didn't! Why would I do that? It's probably something he just wrote for fun just now-for the first time- to, y'know, to spice up the relationship." He chuckled nervously.

Wolfram jabbed a finger at a line on the letter. "It says right here that he 'was enticed and shocked at the bravado of your last letter and it sent waves of pleasure simply from reading the words'." WOlfram shook the letter at Kevin's flabbergasted face. "So you've been writing back and forth to each other using my name!? What the _hell,_ Kevin von Bielefeld?!"

"It wasn't my fault! He sent a letter first!"

"My fiancé sent you a love letter?" Wolfram whispered dangerously. He was now shaking from head to toe with unconcealed anger seeping through his very being.

"Um…" Kevin looked up at him meekly. "I…guess so?"

"YUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRIIIIIII!!!!! YOU CHEEEAAAAATTEEEERRRR!!!!!"

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Oh my god, that was tough to write! Again, I am so sorry it has taken me this long. I hope that you all haven't given up on me. So much has happened that my creative brain waves were shot for a long time.

I also noticed that Yuuri has been absent from most of this story. Actually the primary focus of this story was Murata, since he instigated the whole fiasco. So it's more about him than anyone. However, please do not panic, Yuuri will have a bigger role in the next chapter, I promise! We are gonna wrap this hush puppy up and dip it in ketchup!

On another note:

(Sigh) I can't believe it's come to this, but remember the preview of that other story I posted a long time ago? I think it's chapter three. I really want to continue it, but in order to do that I kinda/sorta need a beta reader, especially for love scenes. My younger sister has acted as my beta and proof-reader and done an excellent job. But she's only sixteen and some of the themes in this story are not for sixteen year olds and she's very sensitive. I need someone who is honest, but not rude or overly critical. I need someone who can help me with ideas and keep up with plot points and details, make sure that character personalities stay consistent and realistic, help me keep track of multiple sub-plots and so forth. If you are interested please IM me on my profile and I will send you the prologue and part of the first chapter of Requiem Mass along with comments on what I plan to do with the story. Thank you all so much and remember to please review and tell me what you think!

You guys have a wonderful New Year!

EB


	6. Chapter 6: The Conspirators Meet!

Letter Sex Chapter Five: The Cat Wasn't So Much Out Of The Bag As It Was Thrown.

To my readers,

Here it is, the second to last Chapter of Letter Sex! This is very important to me because this will be the first multi-chapter fiction that I have ever completed in my very short amateur writing career, all the others have died because I either became too busy or I just ran out of story. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, your comments have been very helpful as well as a source of motivation for writing this story. I worked really hard to make sure that it was up to standards and I hope you all enjoy!

With that said, I apologize whole-heartedly for the long wait! As you can see, if you've checked the KKM archive today, I have written a very long and not funny fic called The Haunting of Yuuri Shibuya. If you like ghosts and need something better to do, please check it out, it's very different from what I've written before.

Note: I am not sure as to Greta's actual age, but for comedic purposes, she's about 7 in this fic.

Anyhoo, on with the fic!

Disclaimer: I do not own this wonderful anime

Warnings: Language, sexuality and violence (Wolfram on Yuuri, our favorite!)

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"Greta!" Yuuri spoke in his sternest father voice. "What did I tell you this morning?"

Greta reluctantly removed her hand from between her spread-eagled legs. "But, Daddy Yuuri!" She whined. "It itches! I can't take it!"

Yuuri sighed. "I know, sweetie." He said. "But remember what Gisela said; if you keep scratching it will only make it worse."

"Did you write Papa Wolf and tell him to bring the ointment?"

"Um…" Yuuri reached into the farthest corner of his memory. Did he? He was sure he wrote something to Wolfram a week ago, but did he remember to send it? However, he didn't want Greta to fret. "Ah sure, baby. I sent it ah….a week ago. He should be getting home today and I know he wouldn't forget something like that. You will be rash free in no time."

Greta huffed impatiently as she slid from her spot on Yuuri's lap and moved to sit on the examining table in the castle infirmary. Her little legs swung back and forth to emphasize Greta's growing impatience as they waited for Gisela to finish up her business and come into the examining room.

Yuuri watched his adopted daughter fidget uncomfortably. Greta's rash was exactly as he had feared; it was on her nether region and had spread to her inner thighs. It was by far the reddest angriest, most malicious rash he had ever seen or heard of. And he, as Greta's father, had the unfortunate duty of making sure his daughter took proper care of the rash. They had tried everything: herbal remedies, alcohol, distilled vinegar, even magic, but only one thing would work and it could only be found in the village that had the statue of Yuuri in pumpkin pants. The village that was along the way towards Shin Makoku that Wolfram's patrol unit would take to get home.

Yuuri truly hoped he had remembered to send some sort of note to Wolfram.

Yuuri and Greta both looked up when the wooden door swung open and revealed the Royal Healer Gisela. Looking crisp and sophisticated in her white uniform, she gave the two a gentle smile "Your Majesty, Princess Greta." She picked up a wooden clipboard and quickly scanned over Greta's health chart.

"Alright." She said. "What seems to be the problem?"

Yuuri opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a high pitched whine from Greta. "My pachinko is red and itchy and I want you to make it stop!"

"Manners, Greta!" Yuuri scolded softly. "Um, Gisela. We hate to barge in on you like this-"

"It's no trouble at all your majesty. I work for you." Gisela interjected.

"Right. We've tried everything you told us too, even the vinegar baths-"

"They made me stinky-the other kids called me Pickle Pussy and then they wouldn't play with me!" Greta complained.

"Hush, Daddy's talking now! We really don't know what to do anymore. It's gotten way worse, I'm worried she'll get an infection or something." Yuuri was a pillar of parental worry and exasperation.

Experienced with such parental tendencies, Gisela gave her best reassuring smile. "I'm sure it's nothing we can't fix! Did you get that cream I asked you to?"

Yuuri looked off to the side. "Uh, yeah, I think I wrote Wolfram a note a week ago asking him to send some back or whatever."

"Did he get it?"

Yuuri stared at the ceiling briefly. "Uhhh…I really don't know. He hasn't gotten back to me yet. I at least would think that he would write me back, telling me he was on his way." Yuuri chuckled half-heartedly. "He worries about Greta's health more than I do sometimes. He'd probably have every doctor and herbalist in Shin Makoku down here creating new remedies for Greta, while calling me an incompetent wimp. I'm pretty sure he'll have it with him when he gets back."

"When does he get back? – Pull your knees apart and lift your hem for me darling." Gisela washed her hands in the little washing bowl beside the examining table and moved the crouch between Greta's knees.

"Today, the weather's good, so he should be here around three maybe?"

"Hmmmm, that is good." Gisela said pleasantly. She carefully pushed the hem of Greta's gown upwards a bit more.

"Ah.." Yuuri said unsurely. "It's a bit ugly and swollen."

"No worries, your Majesty. I've seen these kinds of things thousands of ti- GREAT SHINOU!!!" the normally calm healer started back from her position nearly losing her balance.

Panic setting in, Yuuri jumped up from his seat and rushed over to Gisela's side. "What!? What's wrong with her- OH MY GOD! What did I tell you about scratching, young lady!?!?"

Embarrassed and guilty, Greta quickly covered her red grotesquely irritated skin with her hands and shut her knees together. "I-I couldn't help it! It was itching so bad and I figured a little scratch wouldn't hurt and it kept itching and-and I'm sorry!"

The color drained from the young father's face. "Please, please tell me those aren't scales!"

"It's her skin, your Majesty. I….I think she may have the Brussells, your Majesty." Gisela said breathlessly. "This is one of the worst cases I have ever seen!"

"What should we do?!" Yuuri said. "It's way worse than it was this morning! And it's spread even more! " At that sudden realization, Yuuri's went wide as dinner plates. "What if it covers her whole body?"

"The only thing to do." Gisela quickly reigned in her composure. "Is to get that cream you used last time she had an outbreak and lots of it! I pray that Lord von Bielefeld got your note!"

"What should I do in the meantime?"

"Ice, keep the area dry and clean. Do. Not. Scratch. If she cannot control her impulses you may have to fasten mitts to her hands so she can't!"

Yuuri nodded determinedly. "Ok, got it. You here that, Greta? If you can't stop scratching, I will tie your hands up in mitts and you won't be able to draw like Wolfram. Understand?" He tried his best to look stern as he helped his daughter dress and get down from the table.

"Okay, Daddy…" Greta mumbled forlornly. Already her hands were aching to rub the affected area into oblivion.

"No, Greta." Yuuri warned when he saw her tiny hands drift towards her crotch. Really, if he didn't watch her like a hawk, she would scratch until she peeled her skin off and then he would have to deal with _that_ mess.

"I'm so sorry, princess." Gisela cooed. "Your daddies will get you better, we promise."

All Greta could do was make a soft whine, wrap her arms around Yuuri's waist and bury her face in his abdomen.

"Thanks again, Gisela, for your help, we really appreciate it." Yuuri said. He tried to make his way toward the door, but Greta's grip made the journey awkward.

"Greta, Daddy needs to walk, okay?" Yuuri tried to reach around his pouting daughter to grip the doorknob.

"No!" He felt the vibrations of Greta's defiance against his stomach.

"Oh, fine." He managed to get the door open and scooted out into the hall.

"If she gets worse, please don't hesitate to summon me, you Majesty!" Gisela called after them pleasantly.

"Yeah, definitely-Greta! Let Daddy walk!" Yuuri called back. He ungracefully made his way back to his study to do work with a daughter who protests in the form of death grips attached permanently to his hips.

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Father and daughter made their way down the halls of blood Pledge Castle, both very preoccupied with their own issues. Yuuri was filled with self-doubt and really, really beginning to believe that he did not send that note to Wolfram and cringed at the possibility of having the send the hot-headed blonde back out just when he got back. From experience and his own observations, Yuuri knew that it didn't matter how uneventful or quiet Wolfram's patrols were, the blonde always, always came back in a very testy mood.

Greta kept her arms wrapped tightly around her father, not because she felt any particular attachment to him (though she loved him dearly), it was simply to keep her hands busy and keep them from making a bee-line for her pachinko that was torturing her with a tiny voice. _'Scratch me, stupid! You know you want to!'_

The young princess gave a tiny moan and buried her face further into the soft warmth of her adopted father.

Yuuri grunted when his daughter's strong arms squeezed him harder and made walking even more difficult. They made quite a sight from behind. It looked as if the king had sprouted a second head on his hip and two extra legs. "Greta, let go now. I can't walk with you hugging me the whole time."

"Nuh-huh!"

"Greta.." Yuuri sighed. He looked up when he heard a group of children playing outside. He and Greta had taken one of the halls that ran along the courtyard. Yuuri could see the gardens through the arched windows and the group of servants' children playing ball among the trees.

"Look, Greta!" Yuuri peeled the child off him and forced her to turn around. "It's your friends! Why don't you go play while I finish my work? Then we can go wait for Wolfram, okay?"

Greta crinkled her nose at the laughing children, especially the biggest one, Wikus van der Merwe. Her sworn enemy as of yesterday. These were the same jerks who gave her that obnoxious nick-name. "No." she stated flatly.

"Greta." Yuuri's voice became serious. "I have to work. Wolfram and I can't play with you this evening if I don't finish my work. You know that don't you?"

Greta looked down dejectedly. "Yeah." She shuffled her feet forlornly.

"Yes, you do." Yuuri smiled at his little girl and gently pushed her towards the other children. "Now go play! I'll send on of the maids to fetch you when Wolf gets here. M'kay?"

"Okaaaaay…"

"Great!" Yuuri gave a quick peck on Greta's forehead. "Be nice and I'll see you later."

Without another word, Yuuri walked off down the hall to get back to work before Gwendal or Gunter came after his hide.

Greta continued pouting as she watched Yuuri's retreating back. She reluctantly turned around to regard the group of children who having become aware of her presence all stopped and stared back.

The de facto leader cocked his head to the side mockingly and gave a rude smirk. "Well, if it isn't Pickle Pussy. Did you bring the vinegar?"

Greta gave a glare that was eerily similar to her blonde father. "Say one more word _Dickus_ and I'll plow your face like a cornfield."

* * * * * * * * * * * * LS * * * * * * * * * * *

"Your Excellency! Slow down!"

"Lord Bielefeld, please! Your horse can't take it!"

"We've been galloping since morning! Let us rest for a minute!"

"Shut up, you pussies!" Wolfram screamed as he urged his horse ever faster down the bumpy terrain. The animal beneath him heaved and wheezed as its master pushed him to the limit of his endurance. The poor horse was very close to collapsing and had a half mind to just stop and rest regardless of what his blonde rider wanted. But after years of service in the military as the steed of Wolfram von Bielefeld, the horse knew better than to do anything other than exactly what his master wanted, especially when said master was out for blood.

'_I'm too old for this! My heart can't take it!'_ the beast panted, trying not to falter when he felt a cramp coming on. _'What made me think it was a good idea to eat that extra helping of oats? Silly me thinking we were going to ride home, when we're so obviously going to run like bats out of hell, 'cause that totally makes sense!'_

"Run, damn it!" Wolfram shouted, giving his steed a vicious kick to the sides. Now before you make any foul calls, Wolfram's horse was indeed under the impression that his name was in fact Dammit. Ever since he had become Wolfram's horse when the young demon was given the position of Captain, Dammit was rarely referred to by anything other than Dammit, which was Wolfram's favorite swear word. The horse by his understanding, shared the name with several, if not all of Wolfram's subordinates.

The horse snarled. _'Kick me one more time, jackass and we'll see where that pretty head of yours ends up.'_

Wolfram didn't seem to notice or really care what his horse thought. He was too busy imagining what he was going to do when he got his hands on his cheater of a fiancé. He could not believe that his fiancé, who had pledged eternal love and devotion to him under a tree in the garden before Wolfram offered his virginity to the young king, would write an obscene letter to his retarded cousin!

"I am not retarded!"

Apparently he had said that out loud. Not that he cared.

"Yes you are! Now be quiet!"

All the king's horses and all the king's men breathed a sigh of relief when the towers of Blood Pledge loomed over the horizon. In just a few minutes, they would be home, where they could conveniently excuse themselves and get out of Wolfram's warpath into the safety of the barracks.

They hadn't even finished entering the gates before Wolfram swung himself, not bothering to completely stop his steed, onto the ground. Like a rabid dog that smelled blood, Wolfram stalked towards the huge entrance door to the palace.

Standing at the top of the stairs, completely oblivious to the ensuing danger that drew ever closer to him, Yuuri stood with a sweet smile to greet his fiancé. He was flanked by his godfather Conrad and his disgruntled Great Sage Murata, who sported several odd scratches and refused to tell were they came from.

Yuuri's smile faltered slightly when he noticed the murderous look in Wolfram's eyes and the fast, deliberate way he ascended the stone stairs.

'He's probably upset about me letting Greta's rash get so bad' he thought.

"Wolfram! I'm so glad to see-" Yuuri didn't get to finish his sentence when Wolfram made the last two steps of the stairs and in one fluid motion punched him hard in the chin.

Yuuri was a mass of flailing limbs as he stumbled backward as Conrad and Murata looked on in shocked silence. The double black didn't have time to collect himself when he was bodily hauled to his feet by an irate demon prince screaming in his face.

"You disgusting, horrid, bastard!" Wolfram shrieked, little bits of spittle flying into Yuuri's eyes, which made him blink a lot. "How could you do this to me?! With my cousin! How long did you think you could get away with this before I found out?!"

"Wolfram!" Yuuri choked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't you dare play dumb with me!" Wolfram shook Yuuri hard. "I know all about your treachery. That thing-" He jerked his head towards Kevin, who was standing in the courtyard, still holding his horses' reigns, looking like he desperately wanted to disappear.

"Who's that?" Yuuri asked confusedly. "I've never seen him before."

"You idiot!" Wolfram screeched. "That's my cousin! The one you've been writing those pornographic letters to! Don't act like you don't know!"

"Wolfram, please put me down!" Yuuri begged. "You're squeezing too hard!"

"Like hell, I will!" Wolfram's grip only tightened more. "You liar! All this time I thought you loved me, but really you were just trying to get to my cousin, weren't you? You've made me a complete laughingstock and I-" Wolfram choked back a sob, suddenly overcome by his heartbreak. "Y-you heartless bastard! I should have listened to my uncle and left you! I'll never forgive you for this!"

Wolfram carelessly dropped his fiancé, who landed with an 'oof!' and ran past the flabbergasted onlookers. "I hate you!"

More confused than he had been in his entire life, Yuuri just looked at his fiancé's retreating back.

"What the hell just happened!?!?" Yuuri hauled himself to his feet and ran after his lover. "Wolfram! Wait! I'm so confused! Conrad!"

"Coming your Majesty!" Conrad, still in shock, followed his king into the castle leaving a mentally reeling Murata standing at the top of the stairs.

The Sage could only stare abashed into the distance as his mind whirled around trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

If Wolfram received those letters then why did he…?

It couldn't have NOT been Wolfram! The handwriting was identical!

The literary prowess was the same!

He signed the letters with Honey-chan!

It even smelled like him!

What the hell had he been jacking off to for the past three weeks!?!?

Was he wearing his old glasses or the new ones? Cause there was a haze around everything he looked at and…

Who was he writing to?!?!?!?

Murata could hear the gears in his own head grinding and creaking as his brain struggled through the perverseness and attempted to clarify what had just transpired. After a few minutes he heard a ding, and his brain promptly popped up a screen on his eyes and scrolled down the list of information and calculations.

_ATTN: The letters were not from Wolfram_

_ They were frauds_

_ You've been writing disgusting letters to a stranger_

_ You shouldn't have been writing letter porn to your best friend's fiancé _

_ Anyway_

_ You are a sick lonely bastard who needs a girlfriend and a life_

_ Watcha gonna do now, Oh Great Smartass?_

Oh god………

"Ahhh…"

He was pulled out of his turmoil by a raspy voice from below him. He looked down to see what looked like a punk rock version of Wolfram.

The resemblance was uncanny to the point of downright creepy. Still standing at the bottom of the stairs, hand still holding the reigns of his horse, was the blonde person Murata had just barely noticed when Wolfram came storming in and punched Shibuya.

He was tall and skinnier than Bielefeld believe it or not, and dressed in what Murata could only guess was a heavily modified version of the Fire Division's uniform. It exposed his flat stomach and the low rise pants accented his hips, which were curvy for someone so thin. He had dark blonde hair that bore pink and purple streaks, his skin was slightly more tan than the demon prince. His mouth was pulled back into a small grimace while he regarded the Sage, who was now the sole occupant of the landing.

"Ah, hey…" The blonde began again. "Ya know what's going on? Cause I don't" He gave a helpless half chuckle. "What? Is Wolfram going to lose his head cause his boyfriend wrote him love letters?" The blonde rolled his eyes. "He's such a drama queen."

"Ehhh…" Murata said rather intelligently.

The Blonde continued smiling as he finally motioned for one of the stable hands over and handed his reigns to the boy before swaggering his way up the stairs to stand directly in front of the sage. Clearly unaware of whom he was talking to.

"I'll bet you, my salary that he is in his room, crying like he ain't got sense and threatening to leave for Bielefeld and never return." The blonde's eyes twinkled mischievously.

It was in his close proximity to the blonde that Murata was able to see the physical difference between this soldier and Lord Bielefeld. For one, the blonde's eyes were a icy green color, not forest green, and his facial feature were slightly sharper, indicating that he was older than the demon prince. His eyes were also slightly slanted and cat-like, not wide and dollish like Bielefeld's. And held an air of trouble.

For the first time in his life, Murata had found someone who looked more like Shinou than the first king's own direct descendant and great-great-grandson , Wolfram von Bielefeld.

"Seriously." He continued, looking from Murata to down the hall in which Shibuya had chased his fiancé. "Some days, I think we need to check him for a vagina. I ain't lying." He gave a toothy smirk.

Definitely more like Shinou than Bielefeld.

The blonde soldier gave a heavy sigh and casually walked into the entrance of the castle. "Well, guess I've done enough damage for one day. I'ma grab a bite from the kitchens." He turned around and looked back at the flabbergasted Sage. "By the way, my name's Kevin and I'm Wolfram's wayward, lost-cause cousin. Nice to meet you!"

"Same here..." Murata was trying hard not to be distracted by the swaying of…_Kevin's_ hips as he started walking away again.

"Oh he _can_ speak!" Kevin exclaimed.

Murata stared at Kevin. He just couldn't believe it. "Are you seriously Wolfram's cousin?" They were so different!

Kevin looked up in thought, placing his finger daintily on his chin. "Yep. Let me put it this way." He looked back at Murata. "I'm his you. If what I've heard about you and the king is true, Your Eminence."

Without another word, Kevin twirled on his heel and disappeared into the castle.

* * * * * * * * * * LS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Well, there you go, the obligatory set-up chapter for the end. I apologize of this wasn't as funny as the others. Certainly not as dirty.

I wanted to write a funny parent scene between Yuuri and Greta. I feel like fan fiction doesn't give these two enough scenes together. They are so cute together. Wolfram's not the only father you know! Yuuri as a father is the most ignored and underwritten role in fan fiction. When they DO write about it, it's usually to portray Yuuri negatively in some way, which is dumb because an 8 year old girl is not going to give usable relationship advice and I personally think it's inappropriate for adults to involve children in their romantic endeavors. It's sad because there is a lot of potential in the relationship between those two.

I'm going to start working on the last chapter. I finally have an idea of how I want to end it. It will end on a fluffy note.

Well, thank you all who have reviewed and given your input. Please take the time to read my other stories. I worked really hard on them!

See the review button? CLICK IT!!!!

Love you guys - EB


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